Category Archives: Self

Undoubtedly

Hi,
My name is *****
and everything is fine.

Except I’ve developed a dread of mirrors.
Well, of what I see inside.
Because living in my mind
I’ve hated who I am
and what I think
and how I feel
and where I am in life.

I take a chisel to myself,
knock off pretentious chunks,
clear out drivel,
pick apart desperation.
I find clean lines among the lies,
bluster away any lingering,
ponderous,
obscuring dust.

Until only fine form of identity
is left to understand.
And while it is not the model
I would select
if I had planned ahead
and picked a muse.

It is,
undoubtedly,
Me.

Night Thinking

I don’t want to be alone tonight
But that’s my every night
For the rest of my life
 
Right now that feels a bit too long
A gaping chasm in my heart
That doesn’t want to keep beating

How to Win

Tell me please
how to win a war.
I used to hope and dream
and cannot anymore.
Every value has been cut.
Every last corner shorn.
The thing left to me
in solemn days forlorn
is the knowledge inherent
to acknowledge and mourn.

Ruts

Mind goes back and forth
Meditating, ruminating
Digging a deep scar across lobes
Forcing bonds between synapse tails

Legs follow the trench
Safe from the war
Raging in the unexplored lands
Of the subconscious wilds

Surrounded by the world

A field smiles
Brightens
Glows
With sunshine

The wind swings
Lifts
Spins
In paired dance

Your hand
Gone
Empty
Never picking

Dandelions die alone

A love letter from a self sabotager

Last night it finally hit me
I’m never going to hear from your again.
I know it’s my fault
Because I pushed you away
And told you to stay there.
I know I’m the toxic one.
I know I finally went too far.
I know a person can only be expected
To try to help so much.

You are my favorite person
I have ever had the pleasure to know.
I don’t regret telling you
To stop caring about me
And my well-being
And my problems
And my fears.
I know I cut you out
To protect you from my weakness.
To protect you from my dreams.

I don’t regret giving you back your time
So you could stop wasting it on me.
Except last night
And in the silence my mind
Sometimes settles into.
When I see that I was right.
That you are happier
And healthier
With better people around you.
That I didn’t deserve to hope
And not that hope is truly dead.

It’s barely been a year
But I have only myself to blame
For eternity.

An Annotated Note From My Dad

I’m sorry for what happened yesterday.

I don’t forgive you.
I’m not a big enough person to forgive people who don’t deserve it.

I was trying to carry on a conversation about something that is special to you.

I don’t believe that.
You’ve never cared about the opinions of others.

It’s probably just barely in my top 100 and only because of you.

I’d be shocked if you had 100 facets to you
You two-faced waste of life who should never have been a parent.

So, instead of jumping down my throat because I made a mistake maybe you should have been impressed that I even knew the name.

I’m not giving you credit.
Ignorance doesn’t get applause.

You said a lot of things I’ll never forget,

If I had know it was my one chance to burn this bridge
I’d have said worse so now I’m saddled with regret, your legacy.

But we are still family.

You’ve abandoned family before.
Thank you for reminding me that I have that as a choice.

And it wasn’t like you hadn’t made your feelings obvious your whole life.

Just because I’m disgusted by your opinions on things like race and sex and politics doesn’t mean I wasn’t looking past that because we were still family.
And I regret I didn’t get to tell you how relieved I am to not have to feel my skin crawl every time you said something like how a black kid is a kid but once they turned 18 they are a convict waiting to happen.

You may not like me,

I’m so relieved I’ll never have to choke down my rebuttals again
Or end up exhausted from constantly policing tone and changing the subject.

And I may not like you,

Good.
It’s freeing to know that I’ll never succeed in my filial duty.

But your mom loves us both,

As a parent should.
As you should.

And we can’t be a couple of selfish jerks,

If I don’t put myself first who else will?
My parents?

And lose sight of her.

Fair

I promise you’ll never have to talk with me again.

That’s up to me.
This is my power not your gift.

And I truly don’t want to ever have a role in your life ever again.

I’m truly glad you put this into plain writing.
It makes it much easier to make it come true.

I’ve resigned myself to do my best to avoid people.

I hope you die a small death
That leaves an impact on nobody.

And when we meet I promise to smile and be polite.

I
Can’t.

Praise

Praise be the animal that does not know itself.
That does not know to rip and tear
at personality, hopes, and cares.
That does not look into its mind
and collapse chambers in despair.

False pride pillars fracture
Ceiling dreams crumble
Ambitious walls fall
Self-awareness slumps to the floor.

Hail to the creature that needs only base comfort.
That only wants for outside warmth,
whose heart is only for beating.
That doesn’t fret future states
or ruminate on what should be fleeting.

Not hearing its own brain whisper
words of warning and worry.
Not knowing to fear itself
when looking to save its life.

I’m not good at confrontation

Nail under the edge
Brace, decide
Pull, grimace
Immediately stop.

The little hairs
Stuck in the adhesive
And, well, pain
Changes things

Tug a little
Yep, still hurts
Well, it doesn’t have
To come off directly.

I’ll just ignore for now
Life will handle it
Eventually
The world will provide.

Too much hand lotion
I shouldn’t waste it
No harm in applying
The rest to the arm.

Maybe it’s softened
I’ll just worry the edge
And never mind
Patience is a virtue.

Nice, hot shower
I always scrub
With vigor and soap
Look! It’s off.

Down the drain
Before I can grasp it
Oh well
One problem won’t clog.

Resignation

Nine to five
is nine to six
then nine to seven
eight and nine
and skipping lunch
and checking email
while stuck in traffic
and logging in
while decompressing
and needing conclusions
before you’re truly done.

Clenching jaw
and constant staring
and lack of water
and lack of sleep
lack of smiling
bring migraines throbbing
thrum pum stab
to proud to whimper.

Stall sitting
maybe crying
maybe retching
rehearsing
mental soliloquies
delivered powerfully
standing tall
head high
back straight
chin up
and it’s devastating.

And your brother is engaged
and your cousin is pregnant
and your mom got a dog
and your gran joined a club
and your friend’s not a friend
but a hollow social media presence
who occasionally reads your posts
and …s your overtures
between cocktails and beach vacations.

And you have a wrinkle
permanently furrowed
between brows
you no longer shape
and you have a headset
through which disappointment
is imparted
and you kick yourself
for stolen social moments
with coworkers
instead of reading
one more email
and that typo
in your excel
haunts your dreams
and you wake
already tired
already afraid
living with dread
of devastation.

Your crafted notice
sits in draft
just in case
you argue your brain
out of its rut
but you’re an adult
and adults hate
and you hate
and look how grown up.

And how you can’t look
at yourself in the mirror
without seeing errors
to nitpick
and to judge
and to compare
and to hate
that you won’t fix
because you’re weak
and I should quit
before self loathing
leads to an irreparably grander exit from life.