Category Archives: Poetry

Undoubtedly

Hi,
My name is *****
and everything is fine.

Except I’ve developed a dread of mirrors.
Well, of what I see inside.
Because living in my mind
I’ve hated who I am
and what I think
and how I feel
and where I am in life.

I take a chisel to myself,
knock off pretentious chunks,
clear out drivel,
pick apart desperation.
I find clean lines among the lies,
bluster away any lingering,
ponderous,
obscuring dust.

Until only fine form of identity
is left to understand.
And while it is not the model
I would select
if I had planned ahead
and picked a muse.

It is,
undoubtedly,
Me.

Night Thinking

I don’t want to be alone tonight
But that’s my every night
For the rest of my life
 
Right now that feels a bit too long
A gaping chasm in my heart
That doesn’t want to keep beating

Flight

Dropping down through the rain cloud looks like when you drive in a blizzard. I have the temptation to put my finger out to feel the drops hit against it at speed as one may do with a trailing hand through the water in a leisurely puttering boat. I’m sure it would spear my hand and as the flesh was torn from bones that bent and broke like miniature thunder cracks streams of my blood would mix with the rain to be quite the bad omen for anyone unlucky enough to look at in the storm at an inopportune moment. Which is a very good reason not to give into the impulse not to mention the whole flying inside the plane part.

How to Win

Tell me please
how to win a war.
I used to hope and dream
and cannot anymore.
Every value has been cut.
Every last corner shorn.
The thing left to me
in solemn days forlorn
is the knowledge inherent
to acknowledge and mourn.

Ruts

Mind goes back and forth
Meditating, ruminating
Digging a deep scar across lobes
Forcing bonds between synapse tails

Legs follow the trench
Safe from the war
Raging in the unexplored lands
Of the subconscious wilds

Surrounded by the world

A field smiles
Brightens
Glows
With sunshine

The wind swings
Lifts
Spins
In paired dance

Your hand
Gone
Empty
Never picking

Dandelions die alone

A love letter from a self sabotager

Last night it finally hit me
I’m never going to hear from your again.
I know it’s my fault
Because I pushed you away
And told you to stay there.
I know I’m the toxic one.
I know I finally went too far.
I know a person can only be expected
To try to help so much.

You are my favorite person
I have ever had the pleasure to know.
I don’t regret telling you
To stop caring about me
And my well-being
And my problems
And my fears.
I know I cut you out
To protect you from my weakness.
To protect you from my dreams.

I don’t regret giving you back your time
So you could stop wasting it on me.
Except last night
And in the silence my mind
Sometimes settles into.
When I see that I was right.
That you are happier
And healthier
With better people around you.
That I didn’t deserve to hope
And not that hope is truly dead.

It’s barely been a year
But I have only myself to blame
For eternity.

An Annotated Note From My Dad

I’m sorry for what happened yesterday.

I don’t forgive you.
I’m not a big enough person to forgive people who don’t deserve it.

I was trying to carry on a conversation about something that is special to you.

I don’t believe that.
You’ve never cared about the opinions of others.

It’s probably just barely in my top 100 and only because of you.

I’d be shocked if you had 100 facets to you
You two-faced waste of life who should never have been a parent.

So, instead of jumping down my throat because I made a mistake maybe you should have been impressed that I even knew the name.

I’m not giving you credit.
Ignorance doesn’t get applause.

You said a lot of things I’ll never forget,

If I had know it was my one chance to burn this bridge
I’d have said worse so now I’m saddled with regret, your legacy.

But we are still family.

You’ve abandoned family before.
Thank you for reminding me that I have that as a choice.

And it wasn’t like you hadn’t made your feelings obvious your whole life.

Just because I’m disgusted by your opinions on things like race and sex and politics doesn’t mean I wasn’t looking past that because we were still family.
And I regret I didn’t get to tell you how relieved I am to not have to feel my skin crawl every time you said something like how a black kid is a kid but once they turned 18 they are a convict waiting to happen.

You may not like me,

I’m so relieved I’ll never have to choke down my rebuttals again
Or end up exhausted from constantly policing tone and changing the subject.

And I may not like you,

Good.
It’s freeing to know that I’ll never succeed in my filial duty.

But your mom loves us both,

As a parent should.
As you should.

And we can’t be a couple of selfish jerks,

If I don’t put myself first who else will?
My parents?

And lose sight of her.

Fair

I promise you’ll never have to talk with me again.

That’s up to me.
This is my power not your gift.

And I truly don’t want to ever have a role in your life ever again.

I’m truly glad you put this into plain writing.
It makes it much easier to make it come true.

I’ve resigned myself to do my best to avoid people.

I hope you die a small death
That leaves an impact on nobody.

And when we meet I promise to smile and be polite.

I
Can’t.

Walled Off

Go ahead and build the wall.
Erect it around everything you cherish.
Build it high with your ideals.
Shore it up with your hopes.
Pay for it with your boundless dreams.
I don’t care anymore.

Go ahead and keep them out,
Those that haunt your dreams.
This is your land.
This is also my land.
But you have won the power
And I just can’t care anymore.

Because it won’t bring anything back.
Language and life will evolve past you still
As you close you soul to save your body.
So waste your efforts trying
To wade against the tide of progress
And I’ll sit here drowning in my learned apathy.

A Pile of Originals

Perhaps a snowflake falling down the air
is truly a special unique treat.
Perhaps it should be on display
for you and I to view and learn from.
Perhaps it has a secret twin
if we cared enough to dig around.
Perhaps it likes being on a pedestal
creating chatter and lazy metaphors.
Perhaps it’s lonely and seeking acceptance
wanting to find  it’s not alone.
Perhaps it looks to its drifting neighbors
And comments on the uniqueness of humans.
Perhaps it’s filled with contempt
that we dare to think we compare.
But who has time to stop and check
when it’s buried in a snowdrift?